how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
