Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
