it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
