the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
