omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
