I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
