And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
