I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
apparently the secret to your success is patron
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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