moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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