I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
