my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize
