Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
