apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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