You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
