Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
