I heard we made out
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
