My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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