Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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