Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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