based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
