I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Randomize
