he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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