Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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