and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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