oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
