if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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