i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
