my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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