I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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