Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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