you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
