we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
