New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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