PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
