We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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