I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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