I'm gonna have a badass scar
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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