Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.