shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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