I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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