the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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