He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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