he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
