Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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