I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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