before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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