Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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