How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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