I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
