I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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