i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
