Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
