ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
