i was born a porn star she said
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something