I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
