Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
