i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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